The Day I Found Out About You

Dearest Raya,

I’ve been holding on to this thought for days now.

A year ago, I found out I was pregnant with you.

I still remember how nervous I was when I realized it.

With me being diabetic, asthmatic, and struggling with back pain, I immediately worried about how I was going to carry you safely.

The moment I found out, I stopped taking all my medications because I didn’t want anything to harm you.

I started looking for doctors right away because I wanted to make sure you received the best care possible from the very beginning.

The funny thing is, it wasn’t even me who was supposed to be pregnant.

A friend messaged me saying she thought she might be pregnant. Out of curiosity, I checked my period tracker and realized I was already 20 days late. I hadn’t even noticed.

That’s when a small voice inside me started whispering that maybe, just maybe, I was pregnant too.

The next day, I bought a pregnancy test from the pharmacy.

And there you were.

I was shocked, nervous, and excited all at once.

To be honest, I didn’t even know if I could get pregnant. Because of everything I had gone through, I had convinced myself that becoming a mother might never happen for me. Yet there you were, proving me wrong.

You were already my miracle.

I shared the news with some friends because I was so excited. I thought they would celebrate with me. Instead, some of them told me that I was taking you for granted.

Those words hurt me deeply.

What they didn’t see were the sleepless nights spent worrying about you.

They didn’t see me immediately stopping my medications because I was afraid they would harm you. They didn’t see me searching for doctors as soon as I found out about you. They didn’t see the fear I carried every day, wondering if I was doing enough to keep you safe.

I was trying my best, my love.

From the moment I knew you existed, I loved you with everything I had.

Looking back now, I realize that not everyone will understand a mother’s love.

Not everyone will understand the sacrifices she makes or the battles she fights in silence.

But you knew.

And God knew.

That’s enough for me.

My gosh, Raya.

What a time it was to be alive.

What a blessing it was to carry you in my tummy.

Even now, when I look back at that moment, I smile through the tears. Because despite everything that happened, I got to be your mommy.

And if I could go back to that day—to the moment I saw those two lines—I would relive it all over again, just to have you with me once more.

I love you always and forever.

Love,

Mommy 🤍