The Meaning of Your Name

Dearest Raya,

Your name Hiraya came from the childhood show Hiraya Manawari, which means “may your dreams and aspirations come true.”

Mommy always loved the name Hiraya — it felt so dreamy, so full of hope. And because I knew in my heart that getting pregnant would not be easy for me, I told myself that if I ever had a baby girl, I would name her Hiraya.

Vivienne — your second name — means full of life.

I chose that name for you because that’s exactly what you are, my love. Even in your short time here, you were full of life, full of purpose, and full of love.

I also wanted to name you after your late Ninang Viennalyn, so I could remember her through you.

She was the best — kind, generous, and always there when you needed her. Mommy loves her so much, and I miss her every day. I always imagine that she’s the one taking care of you in heaven.

Raya, do you know the movie Raya and the Last Dragon?

Mommy used to watch it all the time when I was pregnant with you. That’s why I gave you your nickname, Raya.

Just like her, you are brave.

You are a warrior.

My miracle.

My dearest Raya, even with low amniotic fluid, you fought your way to life. You reminded Mommy that even the smallest life can carry the biggest purpose.

You fulfilled my greatest wish — to see my greatest blessing alive, even if it was only for a moment.

When I woke up from my C-section, I already felt it in my heart. I dreamt of your resting place, and somehow, I knew. I knew you didn’t make it. It broke me, my love….. but deep inside, I also knew I had to accept it, little by little.

Raya, Mommy made a new friend. I told her that you haven’t been visiting me in my dreams. She said that maybe babies don’t visit their mommies because they don’t want them to have a harder time grieving.

Maybe that’s why you haven’t come to me lately… but you visit your daddy and your aunties instead.

I really miss you, Raya.

Mommy is still having a hard time accepting that you’re gone. The other day, I woke up crying because I thought you were still in mommy’s tummy.

For a moment, it felt real again.

My love, I hope you can comfort me beyond words and beyond time.

I pray that you are safe in heaven, in God’s loving arms, and embraced by Mama Mary. I also believe that your grandparents and your aunties are there, taking care of you.

I just wish you could show Mommy that you’re okay.

Please keep sending me butterflies, my love, so I know that you miss Mommy too.

I love you, Raya.

Until we meet again.

Always and forever,

Mommy 🤍