For Your Ninang

My Dearest Raya,

Your Ninang flew from Dubai to Manila to be with her family and me. It was so sudden, and yet it felt like God sent her home at the perfect time.

I’m so grateful for her, my love. I love her so much, and I know you loved her dearly too. Every night she prays that you visit her in her dreams — please do so, my angel. Visit Mommy too.

She’s probably on her way to another country now to enjoy her time off, but even then, she carries you in her heart.

Raya, when I was pregnant with you, your Ninang already knew, but she kept quiet because she didn’t want me to panic. She waited until I was ready. She protected me from stress because she knew my pregnancy with you was high-risk. She was our guardian angel, together with Ate Rachel. And now, my love, you are our guardian angel.

Your Ninang has always been there for us — in every step, in every worry, in every fear. She hid her own problems just so I wouldn’t carry more stress while carrying you. She truly loved you, Raya. She was already preparing to be part of your life in the sweetest ways.

You’re the only one she knows who shares her birthday. That’s why on your birthday, my love, please visit her. Let her feel your warmth the way only you can.

When she was here, I didn’t even have to ask. She just came. She wanted to comfort us, hold us, and grieve with us. I know she’s hurting too. I can feel her denial, her shock, her pain. She wanted so badly to hold you, to see you, to care for you. She was planning to surprise us on your due date — but instead, we had to say goodbye.

My love, I am broken beyond words. There are days I feel like I failed her because I lost you. I can’t bear to see her sad or crying because of you — it breaks me even more. That’s why I’m trying to stay strong… for her, for your daddy, and for you.

There are so many beautiful things I can tell you about your Ninang, my love… but I think you already know all of them. You knew her heart long before we did.

She deserves the world, Raya. And I wish I could give it to her.

I love you always and forever,

Mommy 💗☁️